I was gonna throw myself off the balcony of the living room. May 3rd 2007. I was gonna fly. Because I am nothing if not pretentious, even in death. I was oddly at peace with it because I knew it was gonna end soon. All this pain. It was all-consuming. I was pain. I was nothing but pain and sorrow. Not even sadness, just sorrow. I told myself that my family and friends would go on without me. They would be sorry of course, but they’d cope eventually. I remember just wanting for the heartache to go away. I remember crying a lot. At night mostly. Lying awake in bed. Crying. Just crying.
I snapped out of it a few weeks before going through with it. I honestly don’t remember what made me change my mind. I think I just got scared. But I do remember crying for an entire day, out of shock maybe, I don’t know, but I remember feeling better the day after. So much better. I swear it was like getting out of a trance. I am not saying everything was super fine. But I gradually got better. I remember books, comic books and tv shows being my comfort because I could get endlessly lost in them and it was a kind of lost that wasn’t scary. Because I have always been terribly scared of losing myself in the depths of my own pain, but I wasn’t scared of losing myself in fictional people’s. Allow me a poetic metaphor. It was like getting lost in a flowery maze on a sunny April day, with a friend holding your hand after spending months trying to find my way out of the dark depths of the ocean alone.
So yeah, recovery is not easy. It isn’t for anyone. Sometimes I still feel on the brink of a dark endless pit, but I got better at managing that. Now I know what to do to make myself feel better. Now I know it will pass eventually. It’s never going to be easy by a long shot, but it can be done. I want to be my own hero, I want to save myself, and I am not doing a half bad job so far (far better than Wolverine’s by a long shot anyways). What I am trying to say here with cheesy metaphors and even cheesier jokes is: hang in there. I know that it’s easier said than done (boy do I know that), but there are so many things life is worth living for. And the world would be such a duller, grayer place without some of you.